Don’t Ever Give Up

Looking back would I change it all now?

Looking back would I find a way how?

To roll with the memories, to roll with the memories...

the words in bold below are lyrics of a 2016 song I wrote entitled “Different”.

The air feels good out here.

If you would have told me that I would be here a year ago, I would have laughed in your face.

2023 was my big fish.

Something horrible and bigger than I could ever explain swallowed me whole.

I was on the run. Running away from what I thought I did not need.

Community.

Family.

Faith.

I had been running from these things for a long time. Willingly and unwillingly.

Not running because I had lost hope in them, but because I was hurt by them.

And Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of hurting them too.

When a major change or conflict wounds us, it is vital to heal.

It’s important to not rush into the next thing, just because “that’s what you do”.

Which is one of those statements “they say”, but I never really understood who “they” were… who says?

Why do I care so much about the arbitrary ‘they’ and what they supposedly say?

As if “doing what everyone else does blindly” was a commandment written on our hearts… I must have not picked up on that one. It’s not in anyone’s teaching I know or follow.

But I could name a few awful people who use that sort of group-think for their own gain. For money. For power. Often both.

Of course my own name would be included on that list.

I have made choices on my own volition that have caused great pain. Both for myself and others. It seems that daily I have the consistent urge to “Do unto others what I would not have them do unto me”. How I get that command so backwards.

I have also been hurt by the decisions of others that has resulted in great pain. Resulted in loss and mourning. A longing for what was.

It seems to me that we are indeed “prone to wander, prone to leave the God we love”. And it seems that I’m not the only one… There is in fact a teaching I know that has something to say about that. That teaches we are prone to wander, prone to destroy. “Naturally inclined to hate God and Neighbor”.

Like a pendulum of cultural terror. A bulldozer that wrecks as many walls as it can.

All the while, building up its own walls so swiftly - not considering the implications of isolation and separation that results in tearing down the walls of others and building up our own in defense. The more I read about history, the more I know this to be true. The more I see the repetition of injustice, even in these very days, the more I long for it to be resolved.

Don’t we all long for resolution?

Hope is for tomorrow. Hope is for today. Hope is for each other, so send some my way. (more song lyrics from a 2016 song entitled “Hope”).

If we don’t have hope, what do we have?

If one day things will be made right, why don’t we live convicted of that reality? Why don’t we live from that well of Hope day to day?

Resolution of conflict is the most critical part of any story. It would not be a story without it. Unless of course you are into nihilism, which in that case I have some movie recommendations for you. But I must warn… such a view is ultimately a hopeless path. Rooted in selfishness - speaking from personal experience here.

A loveless path.

A worthless path.

But nothing is worthless in the sense that you can’t learn from it. You can learn to laugh even in the hardest of times, weep during the greatest of moments and shout from the highest mountain you’ve climbed. Each part of our story tells something about who we are.

And I cannot help but proclaim how my story has continued to unfold revealing the goodness and grace of God at every bend, corner and swerve. In all the rising and falling action, in the face of conflict and with the hope of resolution.

All my life he has been faithful. All my life he has been so, so, so very good.

But sometimes life can be really hard. Sometimes it can even feel unbearable.

But I have found that at the end of the Nihilism path lies only death, destruction and chaos. Who wants a story like that anyway?

Doesn’t a hopeful ending give you so much more peace in the here and now?

Isn’t it much more appealing to feel convicted enough to want to live for something bigger than laughing all the way to the bitter end? I’ve looked long and hard in attempts to find that bitter end, and let me tell you, there is no laughing there. Only loneliness.

But that part of my story lead to being given, yet another, second chance. What we call redemption.

Jon Foreman of the band Switchfoot wrote: “What if redemption has stories to tell?”. I much like this question and its implications.

I can attest to redemption.

A new opportunity.

A new life.

All this came in a way I did not expect. It did not even come the way I wanted it to go at the time...

But looking back, would I change it all now?

I don’t think I would...

I don’t think I have ever truly believed that changing the past would make me happier now.

It’s probably because I believe more in hope than regret.

Not because I am so wise, but because I have to. Hope isn’t always easy to find, but it’s out there… and it’s still hope nonetheless.

So I’m good with letting the memories roll as they rolled back then. In fact, I’m learning more and more of my passion and the importance of documenting (memories, stories and hope) and the significance of sharing them along the way - hence this blog.

Once you have tasted new life, you cannot help but share.

As the testimony goes ...“I was blind, but now I see"

But again, this part of the story is for another time.

To summarize my rambling:

Learn from your lessons, mistakes and pains. Don’t lose hope in the hardest of these moments.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

This work was initially written in the summer of 2024 and has subsequently been edited and adapter into its current form.